COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today