My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
yes yes a thousand times yes!