I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years