If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?