dogs can find happiness so easily
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
U talkin 2 me?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.