Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
You Might Also Like
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.