Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Thursday
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.