Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
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[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
This made me smile…
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno