He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry