wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*