Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.