[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
RT if you could go either way.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.