Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
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“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old