LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
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[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
found my next D&D character name
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity