Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
this post was so formative to me
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying