Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
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“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.