I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.