Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I came this close!!!!
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
58.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…