MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult