“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
inventing words: clothing
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???