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I can’t be the only one 😂
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.