I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?