I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.