detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.