Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing