You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!