“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Worth the read.