24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
me when i see my girls butt
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.