The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife