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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.