People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
That’s it.I’m out.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.