Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
You Might Also Like
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math