Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
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Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will