Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
You Might Also Like
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?