If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
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Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.