“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Festive toon…
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.