Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*