A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.