#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby