Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I drew y’all a little something.