Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The Backseat Boys
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud