Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Coffee is ready.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.