wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I put the hot in psychotic.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night