goldfish mafia
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Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
All. The. Damn. Time.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”