I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
You Might Also Like
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.