My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
fr
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO