It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
You Might Also Like
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
This is I, Robot all over again
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Europe. Made in Germany.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.