[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.