Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Why is this me 😫
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”