I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?